Musings, III

by Laura Bryannan

This chapter takes place right before episode 16, in which the three quarrel and go their separate ways. My canon bumps into real canon… Spoiler for episode 14.


I’m a foolish, foolish girl. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My life is all topsy-turvy and I don’t know what to make of it. It was terrible when mama died, but I had a nice thing going with auntie and uncle at the teahouse. I really thought I had it all figured out. And then they showed up and everything went bonkers. And now I’m here on the road with these two wierdos, and it’s been a learning experience to say the least. I’ve never spent any time with guys before this. Are they all as weird as these two? They stink and swear and posture and fight all the time. Well, I suppose that’s not fair to Jin. He doesn’t stink and swear, but he’s still weird. And that Mugen…can anyone be as horny and gross as him? I’m embarrassed to be seen with him in public sometimes.

I hate admitting it, but being out here in the wide world has been pretty frightening sometimes. I never knew what kinds of trouble a girl could get into until I got into it, again and again. Jin and Mugen may be wierdos, but they have been there for me so far. I feel safe around them. No matter what bad things they might have done in the past, I can tell they’re good guys now. They’re just weird. What can I say?

But I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. Here I am with two guys, one is beautiful, kind and wears a mon on his kimono everyone knows. Even living in an out-of-the-way place as mama and I lived, we knew who that family was. The other is a scraggly smelly jerk and a half with prison tattoos, of all things, and who do I get a crush on? That’s right, yours truly picks the jerk and a half. Maybe it’s because I’m a jerk and a half too. It’s gotta be.

After Jin helped me that night, you’d think I’d be all hot and bothered about him. I’ll admit I get hot and bothered remembering that experience, but I can’t stop myself from wondering what it would be like if Mugen and me…. Oh, Fuu, you are so totally retarded! I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m such a retard. Jin seemed scary to me for a long time. He’s soooo handsome, true, but he was about as personable as a rock. How can a girl get a crush on a rock, I ask you? Even I’m not that kooky.

I’ve had some time to think about things since that wonderful night at the spring and I believe I made the mistake I made with Seiji because I was trying to get my feelings for Mugen out of my head. Or maybe I was trying to make him jealous or something. Too bad he didn’t notice or care. I just got tired of being ignored by Jin and taunted by Mugen, I guess. Seiji was so good-looking and, being a blacksmith and all, he sure was built. Both of those two guys together wouldn’t be as big as he was. He was nice to me, too. Oh dear. It’s clear I know nothing about how to deal with men.

So Jin helped me and now I know some wonderful secrets about myself. It’s made me feel stronger, somehow. Like I’m a woman of the world now. And the nights aren’t as lonely when I know how to make myself happy. Jin’s been more open with me too, and I don’t feel afraid being near him anymore. I didn’t realize how much I missed just being close to another person until that night. He still doesn’t talk much, but he’ll smile at me if I sit by him, and he’ll pet me like he did then. I guess he’s like the big brother I never had. Mugen treats me like a baby sister too, only he’s the kind of brother who pulls your hair, spills ink down your back and then laughs at you about it. What a jerk!

But I’ve got to admit I felt something for him the moment I saw him. He walked in the door and I got chills up my back. I really did. I was so flustered after he talked to me I tripped over my own feet and, well, the rest is history as they say. And somewhere during this journey things started to change. I can’t really say when—some time in Hamamatsu, I think. I was sitting near Mugen one day and I noticed he didn’t reek the way he usually did. It was nice. It’s certainly made life with him more pleasant, that’s for sure! And he’s been quieter somehow, too. He and Jin don’t seem to be going at it so much, either, so that’s also been good. That got old really fast, I tell ya.

And then there was that horrible nightmare with that Mukuro creep. I was so jealous of Kohza I couldn’t believe it! It was obvious she wanted Mugen, and I was afraid he’d go back to them…to her. Or, even worse, I thought he might bring her along with us. When he decided to do that job with them I was so angry, I couldn’t even look at him. But when we thought he was dead I wanted to die too, and I think Jin felt the same way. I cried practically non-stop till I found him on the beach. Any hope of hiding my feelings for him from myself kind of ended after that. When Jin told me that it was really Kohza who set Mugen up I could have ripped that bitch’s heart out myself. I couldn’t believe Mugen let her live, but maybe that’s because her death is mine. Oh dear, I sound like them, don’t I? Well good on me!


My heart is going to break. I feel sick. I can’t believe what I just saw. They went off the road to go pee and I did the same, in a different direction, of course. When I was done I sat down to wait for them. I heard them coming, but I was far enough away they didn’t see me. Jin was walking ahead and Mugen after, when Mugen runs up to him and pulls Jin’s hair. I knew he was the hair-pulling type, I laugh to myself. Jin pivots and takes a swing at him but misses, and then Mugen tries the same and misses too. I’m smiling, and then my heart stops. I hear Mugen say, “Come here you asshole,” and then he grabs Jin and kisses him! He kisses him and kisses him. Jin doesn’t push him away or anything, he puts his arms around Mugen and is obviously enjoying it. Suddenly everything made sense. Things have changed around here because they’re lovers! I thought I was going to cry right then and there.

It was just the last straw. Why is everyone, even Jin for god’s sake, more desirable to Mugen than me? Am I so horrible? Am I so ugly? Am I so unbearable? It kind of hurt when Jin got all googly about that Shino woman, but I was more upset that he might leave us than because he loved her. But it always hurts me when Mugen can’t keep his thing in his pants. I don’t understand why everyone else is acceptable but me. I feel so left out. I feel like I’m the most despised little bug that ever walked the earth. It’s just not fair they have each other and I’m tagging along alone and unwanted. I think I need to get away from these guys right away. I don’t know how I can hide how awful I feel. If they both hate me so much, they don’t have to put up with my presence any longer. So there!


Things are spinning out of control. Something bad is going to happen—everything I see points to it. Fuu is upset. Since yesterday she’s been struggling with something and she’s not hiding it well. I realize it’s been wrong to exclude her. Codes I grew up with demand we not approach her or allow her in. We’re supposed to be protecting her and she is so young. But there are other ways to dishonor a person and I’ve come to believe that it hurts her too much to shut her out.

She’s obviously got a crush on him. He’s so clearly in lust with her. I don’t think the outcome will be good if they don’t do something to acknowledge this very soon. They’ve been at each other’s throats for the past twenty-four hours and I am weary of it. I would imagine she’s noticed something has changed between Mugen and me. We have a truce, of sorts, between us and I’m sure it’s obvious despite the fact that Mugen still behaves like an idiot most of the time. How can it be for her when we’re the only family she has and we’ve been pushing her away?

I’ve been plotting about how to get them together. I’ve been doing research in the past few days, curious about his knowledge of the fairer sex. I knew he was a skilled lover of men, but of women? I didn’t want him repeating her first experience. I couldn’t live with myself if I plotted to get them together and then he brutalized her the way the other man had. After we had caught our breath and come back to the real world one afternoon, I finally asked:

Tell me about your best experience with a woman, Mugen.”

He considered for a moment, and then replied, “Only if you tell me about yours, if ya got one, that is.”

I have.”

You do? Really? Was it that Shino woman?”


No?! Well, who was it?” he demanded.

I seem to remember I asked the question first. Don’t try to change the subject,” I countered. “You show me yours, and then I’ll show you mine.”

OK, OK. Well I had this friend whose ma kinda took care of me after my ma…was gone. Any time I was hanging with Hiero she’d feed me, fuss over me, make sure I was OK. So I hung with Hiero a lot, right?” he laughed. “She was the best thing in my life when I was a kid, and she was pretty like an angel too. I was in love with her forever.” He closed his eyes and sat there for a few moments, his face softening as he remembered something sweet.

Well, one day when I was twelve I got beat up. Not real bad, but I guess it looked worse than it was cuz she threw a fit when she saw me. She dumped me in the tub, got all the bleeding stopped, and when I got out something happened. You know, by then I was taller than she was. We started making out. And, well, I pretty much had then what I got now and I ain’t met a lady yet who didn’t want to jump me once they check it out. I knew girls who stuck with me and they didn’t even like me, just to get some. Uh…I guess I’m rambling. So I can’t think of any specific time, but for the next three years she let me be with her every now and then. Every time was the best, you know? I learned from her there was more to sex than the ol’ in out.”

You mean you weren’t an accomplished lover at twelve?” I teased.

Shut up, you fuck.” He kicked my leg. “She showed me what she liked, and let me do it. I never had me a tastier pussy. You ever eat pussy, Jin?”


He regarded me in disbelief. “You like it?”

He knew he’d get me there. “Well…let’s just say there are other things I prefer to do with a woman than that,” I admitted. I was relieved to learn he wasn’t totally ignorant about pleasuring women. Now that I had the information I wanted out of him, I was motivated to keep my side of it as brief as possible.

Your turn,” he demanded. “I thought you learned all your sex tricks at the dojo.”

I burst out laughing. I can’t remember when I laughed so hard, and it felt really good. Seeing him staring at me—eyes wide, mouth open—set me off every time I looked at him. “Oh my god,” I wiped my eyes. It really wasn’t that funny, but I couldn’t stop giggling. “Thank you, Mugen. I think I’m laughing because we students fucked each other, of course, but it wasn’t what we were being taught!” I had to take a deep breath before I could go on.

At the dojo there was never anyone I wanted to use my sex tricks on. I had sex for my own release and…well, to exert control over certain uppity ones who required it, but I didn’t care about my lover’s pleasure. I actually leaned my sex tricks from a woman, the same as you. Our stories are remarkably similar. My family kept concubines and I met the youngest one when I was thirteen. She was older and a surrogate mother to me as well. I was in love with her, and she was always sweet with me. She taught me about women and about myself too. Do you still prefer older women because of it? I believe I do.”

Yeah, I guess so. But I’ll take ‘em whatever age I can get ‘em.” He growled and lunged at me. “A concubine, huh?” He purred against my neck. “I like thinking of a pretty woman sticking her fingers up your ass.”

I liked thinking about it too. I liked the thought of him thinking about it. “Well, you’re not a pretty woman, but….” The hint was obvious enough to make me cringe inwardly, but I expected him to run with it. Instead he backed away from me, frowning.

You letting me in your ass, Jin?” he asked, examining my face as though he didn’t know me.


I couldn’t believe he was getting up and gathering his clothes. “Hmmm.”

That’s my line.”

Well…um…I need to think about this. Let’s talk about it later.” And off he went. I felt stunned, confused and humiliated as well. I’d been certain he’d jump at the chance I gave him, so this turn of events did not make sense to me at all. Not at all.


Things are going batshit around here. Jin has been acting weird and I don’t fucking like it. Fuu’s been on my case more than usual, and I’ve had enough of that shit too. Where does she get off looking down her nose at me? The little bitch. Why can’t I stop getting horny for her? She’s such a fucking nag, I should hate her guts. She’s just so young and sweet. She always smells nice. I bet she tastes good too. She’s not like any girl I’ve met before, all hardened or twisted up inside. She’s brave and fun and knows how to dish my shit back to me. I really like that about her. Well fuckit. Who gives a damn now? Things were good for a while. I guess that’s how it goes for me, huh? Nothing good ever lasts long in my life.

So Jin. First off, he’s been bugging me about Fuu lately, asking me what I thought about her and all. Like why should he care? I don’t get it. It makes me nervous. And then I’ve been kicking myself in the ass for making the comment I did the other day. The stupid shit wants me to fuck him. He just came right out and asked me last night.

Yeah right. Like my cock is gonna fit in that virgin ass of his. I always thought of him as a smart guy, but he’s sure being a stupid fuck about this. The whole thing feels wrong to me. I mean, the only guys I fucked were guys I wanted to hurt. If they were such dumbshits to want me to rip ‘em a new one, I was glad to do it. I never liked any guy I fucked. How can I tell him something like that about myself?

And then this wildass thing happened the other day. We were together and I had already sucked him off. He was finger fucking me the way he does, and taking his goddam time about jacking me off the way he does, so I was pretty much a goner. Finally I feel like I’m gonna cum and I can tell he’s gonna let me. In the far away distance I feel something tickling my belly and a warm mouth on my cock. Oh my fucking god! It felt so good I just came and came, not really getting what had just happened.

I got my shit together in time to see him raise his head. I pulled him up and kissed him to taste myself in his mouth, and there I was. Un-fucking believable! It made me really happy for the time we kissed, but after that I started freaking out. Things were moving too fast and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Was he going uke on me? Was he a secret uke? The thought scared the shit out of me. I need him to be the strong one, not just for me but for Fuu too. I could tell he wasn’t getting the reaction he expected from me, but I couldn’t help myself. I was really freaking out.

Look, that felt amazing,” I said honestly. “Just give me time to get used to the idea, OK?” Jin has always been a wierdass seme, I reminded myself, so maybe this turn of events didn’t mean he wanted to shift the power between us.

But today he’s been pissy. I guess it probably didn’t help that I insulted him when he asked me to fuck him. “You’re a goddamn idiot,” was what I said.

He looked genuinely puzzled, the stupidass fool. “I don’t understand,” he said quietly.

If you can’t figure out why your request makes you a goddam idiot, I’m not going to fucking explain it to you!” I got the hell outta there. I still don’t know why this fucks with my head so much, but it sure as hell does. I gotta figure things out.

Well, when Jin gets pissed he doesn’t yell or get violent. He withdraws, goes away, becomes inaccessible. He’s avoided me since then and I don’t give a shit. So things are most definitely going to hell around here. Maybe it’s done with us. It sure wouldn’t be the first time I lost people I cared about. Prolly won’t be the last either. Have to see, I guess….

to be continued