by Laura Bryannan

You know how it is when your lover doesn’t want it as much as you do? It’s a bitch, right? It gives them all the power. Not that Jin doesn’t have all the power anyway, but it gives him even more power. Here I am, traveling with two people who totally mess with my head and totally turn me on. So I’m crazy. I’m just fucking crazy all the time. This trip I’m on is some kinda wild and crazy trip. It’s changing me. He’s changing me, and I can’t understand myself anymore.

Can you believe I’m hanging with normal people? I used to think normal people were…well, too fucking normal. I never knew any normal people before now. It’s good. It’s good to go to sleep and know the people you’re with ain’t gonna fuck you over. It’s good to hang with people who ain’t going psycho on you every time you turn around. Sometimes I have to poke at Fuu cuz things are too quiet and nice. Plus it’s fun to get her all riled up. She’s really cute when she’s angry. She’s really cute when she’s not, too. I give her shit when she nags cuz I can’t have no fifteen year old bitch boss me around, but she still turns me on. Never had me a good girl before, and I’ll prolly never have her either, so I put up with all this shit from her just to stay around her even though I’d never admit it to anyone.

And then there’s Jin. I didn’t pay attention to him at first cuz I thought he was one of them shy submissive types. Well, I was wrong about that one, huh? I mean, there’s no question he is Master and I am dog panting after. Thing is, he doesn’t treat me like a dog. It’s so weird. I’ve never known anyone who could command me sexually the way he does who didn’t make me pay for it. He’s not beating me up or kicking me around or making me grovel. He’s changing me. He’s making me think about things I never thought about before and sometimes it makes me crazy. I don’t know who I am anymore.

Like this: we were hanging in this one place for a while cuz we all found work, and I guess Jin had saved up a little cash. One night he comes home with this package. Me and Fuu are bugging him.

Is it food?” says her.

Is it booze?” says me.

He pulls out this little bottle of ink, three brushes and three pieces of paper. I’m like, huh? We sit in a circle and he puts the ink in the middle. He hands us each a paper and a brush. Fuu giggles, “Oh boy!” and starts scribbling. Jin works for a while and then he notices me sitting there looking at the brush in my hand. I never had a brush in my hand before. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I can’t write. I see the paper and it’s like a big white eye staring back. I’m freaking out.

Hey.” He gets my attention and holds his brush up, so I do it too.

Brush in ink.” He dips his in, I do the same.

Wipe off excess.” He shows me how. OK, I can do that.

Mark paper.” He goes back to work.

Man, putting that first mark on the paper was really hard to do. Like I had to do it right or not at all. But they were both ignoring me, so what the hell? I messed around with it some and figured out how the brush worked. And then I closed my eyes and I could see a scene I remember—this place on a beach I always used to go to be alone when I was a kid. I started marking up the paper like I saw in my head. I just kept doing it until it was done and then I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes! I couldn’t believe I had drawn it. I never knew I could do something like that. It was the most amazing damn thing! I felt like I was gonna explode or something. I looked over at Jin and he was staring at me in the best way, with this half smile running around his face. He looked amazed. He nodded and said, “That’s good. You’ve got natural talent, it appears.”

Fuu looked at me different too when she saw it. “Wow, Mugen. You could be an artist. Are you sure you’ve never done this before?” She looked at me like I was a person for the first time. I was blown away. She had drawn some flowers and some words, I guess, and some little animal pictures. She’s pretty good too. It made me like her more, if that is possible. Such a juicy little bitch. Oh well.

Jin had drawn us—my head and face and Fuu’s too. It was really cool. It really looked like us! Or, at least, Fuu’s really looked like her. I don’t know about mine. I’ve seen myself in water and a mirror once, and I think Jin drew me better than I am, but that’s cool by me. Fuu can write her name, but I didn’t know mine, so he wrote my name on my picture and now I know how to write it too. Totally amazing shit!

He tore his paper in half and gave us our pictures, so now I can look at it whenever I want. Sometimes I look at the picture he drew and wonder what Jin’s doing with someone like me. Someone like him with a lover from Ryukyu…yeah, right. But there it is. He’s still wanting me. Not as much as I want him, but what I get ain’t bad, that’s for sure. It just blows my goddam mind! Sometimes I look at my drawing and I feel like my guts are gonna burst out of me. I feel proud of myself, I think. It’s really weird. So I think I’m going crazy. He’s changing me, but it feels like it’s good maybe. But I don’t understand myself anymore.


I’m obsessed with Jin’s skin. It’s so white you can see his veins through it on a sunny day. His body is practically unmarked too. How does a guy get to be as good a fighter as him without getting all scarred up? I guess that’s what happens when you learn to fight from training instead of from actual fighting, like me. I look at that skin, prettier than any girl I’ve ever had or any whore I’ve ever been able to afford, and I need to make marks on it. It welts so easily. I can run the back of my nail over his skin and the mark will come up right away and last for a long time. Scratch marks last even longer. And when I suck hard enough to taste blood, a mark like that will last a week. Great shit!

Sometimes I’ve marked him up so much he looks like he’s got a disease or something. It’s my rule that he’s got to have at least one mark of mine on his body all the time. Not that I think he’s getting sex anywhere else—I’m pretty sure he’s not. It’s just something I need to do to him, so I do it. Like a dog pisses to mark his territory, I’ve got to mark him mine.

The only problem I have with Jin’s body, besides the fact that he’s taller than me, is that he washes it too much. If he can, he washes every fucking day, believe it or not! As far as I’m concerned, people should smell like something, but when he gets out of the bath he smells like nothing. Where I grew up, people smelled like people, and that’s how it should be, if you ask me. I really like how he smells at the end of the day, but he usually bathes after the day’s work is over, so that’s when I try to grab him. I try to get to him before he’s washed his scent off himself. Even better is if we’ve been traveling and can’t bathe at all. If I’m really lucky and have him before he’s washed I can smell him on me, even the next day. I love it when that happens—when I can smell him on my hands or on my face after. I want him to smell me on him too, but he usually chases me away if it’s been too long since I took a bath.

I got tired of being rejected so now I try to time things so that I’m mostly clean when we’re together. That seems to be working so far. And I notice that Fuu hasn’t been avoiding me so much either so that’s cool. Sometimes I wonder if he’s changing her too. I would swear that I’ve caught her staring at me more than once with this weird look in her eyes. I’m probably dreaming, but I really feel like she’s acting different.

There was that time when I saw her kiss him. I could tell something was up with them. Man, I pulled out every trick in the book but no matter what I did, he stuck to his story: “I went to the spring late that night and found her there weeping. She cried forever, and I held her. You were right, in a way. The guy didn’t dump her, but she did find out he was married. She was unhappy and I comforted her, Mugen. That is it.” I know something else was going on there, but I don’t think he’ll ever tell me. She’s been different since then, that’s for sure. For one thing, I have to fight her off for pets, now.

Here’s a thing about Jin: if you hang next to him when he’s napping or meditating—I like to stretch out on my stomach—and manage to keep still enough to not get shoved away, when he begins to come to his hand will start stroking you. I don’t think he knows he’s doing it. He just does it, but it feels really nice. He’ll pet you until he wakes up enough to stop himself. And then you have to ask him to keep going, but he usually will. So Fuu’s been cutting in on my petting action these days. I’ll find her snuggled next to him before I get there. I don’t mind sharing, I guess, but it makes me wonder what the hell happened between them. Maybe I have to think up better tortures.


Jin’s hands are very talented. Sometimes I can get hard just staring at them, thinking about what they can do to me. It’s good that his hands are talented, because he’s still got this thing about his mouth. He’s actually a pretty good kisser these days, and I’ll take credit for that, but he never tries to kiss me. If I want to kiss him I’ve got to kiss him myself. And he still tries to fight me off most of the time. It’s the only way I try to top him. It’s the only way I know to get him into a horny place if he’s off hiding in his head when Fuu’s not around and we can play. I know if I can manage to kiss on him for a minute or two, he’ll get wonky and I can have my way with him. Unfortunately, I can’t always manage it. The guy is slipperier than a fucking eel, and he’s too good a fighter to overpower if he really wants me to piss off.

But if I can be patient and wait for him to come to me, it’s always worth it. Then he’ll let me kiss him as long as I want. I know I’m in business when he starts making little contented, moany sounds, so once I get them I don’t like to stop. He gets really funny after being kissed for a while—kinda spaced out and stupid. One time I had him pinned up against the wall, my hands holding his wrists, and I was enjoying myself when he started sliding down the wall. “Let’s sit down. I don’t want to stand anymore,” he said. I like melting him like that. Jin always tastes good. I’m always hungry for his body. I can’t keep my mouth off his body. I want to get my face in there and smell him and taste him everywhere.

He won’t use his mouth on me though. Not that I really care. Somehow it would seem wrong for him to be on his knees to me. I don’t see him that way. I don’t see myself that way. His hands are talented enough that I don’t miss his mouth on me. But there’s one thing he will do with his mouth—bite me. Strange huh? The weird thing is, he bites me in these places and my body gets hot, even though it hurts. The first time he did it we were on the road Fuu was up ahead and I heard him come up behind me. He grabbed a hunk of my shoulder blade with his teeth—through all my clothes—and bit me really hard. Man it hurt like a bitch, but my cock just went hello! I couldn’t believe it! He looked at me with this little smile, cocked his eyebrow, then walked off. I could feel the marks from his teeth for days after. How does he know these things? Must’ve been some kind of weirdass dojo, that’s for sure.

So, his hands are beautiful. His fingers are so long I can’t stop remembering what they feel like inside me every time I look at them. One time Fuu was working but neither of us were, and we made plans to get together while she was gone. I was hanging in our room waiting for him, totally drooling and panting as usual, when he finally walked in. I tried to jump him but he sent me flying and said, “Wait. Look at this.” He held up a little bottle filled with this clear green stuff.

OK, I see it,” I said. “So what? What is it?”

It’s oil made from olives,” he said, opening the bottle to let me smell it. Man, the stuff smelled like sunshine or something! It smelled like summer, or green things, or a warm day.

I believe it’s supposed to be for cooking, but….” He looked at me in his I’m-trying-not-to-smile way and pointed to the bed. “Take off your clothes and lie down.” If my clothes need to be off I’m there, so I do it and lay down.

No, on your stomach.” So I do that. He strips down to his fundoshi and sits on my ass, with his legs on either side of me. Then I feel this pool of oil forming on my back and he starts rubbing it around. Man did that feel good! He just kept rubbing and rubbing me all over. The oil made his hands all slippery, and it felt amazing. He spent a long, long, long time massaging that stuff into me. He did my shoulders and back, my arms, my hands, my legs, my feet, even my head. He was turning me into mush. No one ever did such a thing for me before. He knew how good it would feel and he wanted to do it to me—he actually wanted to serve me like that. The whole thing just made me crazy. I can’t figure Jin out. The guy is the weirdest seme I’ve ever known, but I ain’t complaining.

But here’s what I mean about his hands. He starts working on my ass and of course I get even more horny than I was before, if that’s possible. He’s been touching me forever and I’m feeling so good, my body really wants to cum. He finally turns me over and I’m thinking, come on, you bastard, do it, do it, do it. I want him to get those slippery fingers all over my cock and make me cum. But instead he slides a few inside my ass, and he’s doing something in there that’s driving me crazy. He’s touching a place that makes my guts go “BANZAI!” In a few seconds I’m convulsing all over the bed. I feel like I’m cumming but my cock isn’t involved somehow. I’m cumming inside my guts somehow. Pretty freaky, I can tell ya, but it felt great! My cock is still hard as a rock. Nothing’s come out but it’s drooling pre-cum like a motherfucker. I kinda stare at him through this haze in my head and my body is shaking all over. I think I said something like, “Please Jin,” but maybe I just moaned. I don’t know.

Feel good?” I think he asks me. I just nod and reach for my meat. I can’t stand it anymore. He shoves my hand away, but finally grabs it himself and starts to jack me off. I’m really ready, and his fingers are still dancing inside my ass, so I cum in record time. I cum all over the fucking place. Then all the tension in my body goes away and I pass out. When I wake up he’s sitting there meditating as usual.

Hey!” I call out. Instead of ignoring me, he actually opens his eyes for once. After doing all that for me, you’d think the guy would want a little for himself, but he just sits there and looks at me. “Let me do it to you, now,” I demand.

He shakes his head. “Just be with it, Mugen,” he says, “you can do me tomorrow if you wish.” It’s too weird. It makes me wonder why I put up with the shit I put up with from the guys I had a thing for in the past. I guess you put up with enough shit from people year after year and you start to think that’s all that’s ever gonna come your way. I’m starting to think things don’t have to be like that. It’s good. Things are most definitely good.


So, you know me. I can’t leave well enough alone. It gets too quiet around here and I have to stir things up some. Jin’s so even-tempered. Nothing seems to bug him. Oh, he’ll insult me back if I put him down or something, but I’d never seen him really angry. It became my personal mission to piss him off. I guess I’m so twisted up in my head that I can’t believe someone is there for me if they’re not punching me out every now and then.

It took a while, but I finally figured how to do it. It’s all about his hair. His hair is amazing. Mine is all coarse and scraggly. No matter what I do, it just sticks up all over the place, so I stopped trying to make it look like anything a long time ago. I just chop off hunks of it with my tanto when it gets in my way and leave it at that. Jin’s hair is long and silky fine. He keeps it tied up all the time. He never unties it that I’ve ever seen, not even when he sleeps. He must untie it sometimes, cuz he obviously washes it, but I’ve never seen it down. I found myself getting obsessed with seeing him that way.

I asked him a few times if I could untie his hair and he always said no. I tried untying it once after I had gotten him really zonked out from sex, but I guess he wasn’t that zonked out cuz he stopped me before I could get anywhere. The more he said no, the more I wanted to do it, you know?

Well, one day I finally did it. I finally got that damn silk string off his hair and watched it fall over his face. He looked like some amazing angel, I’ll tell ya. Just goddam beautiful. Didn’t have much time to enjoy it though. I never saw him move so fast. He sent this kick right into my belly and knocked the wind out of me. Before I could get my act together he had grabbed the string and tied his hair up again.

Don’t ever do that to me again, you shit!” he hissed, and stormed out the door. I sat there stunned for few moments and then went after him. I couldn’t find him. He didn’t come home that night and I couldn’t believe it. I had to deal with Fuu making stupidass speculations about where he was all damn night. He didn’t show up the next day either. Not good, so I set out hunting for him late that afternoon. It took me a long time to find him, but I finally did. I sat myself next to him but didn’t say anything. His eyes narrowed when he saw me, but he didn’t speak. I could feel the anger just shooting off of him. I didn’t say anything for a while—not till I could tell he had kinda calmed down some.

Sorry,” I finally said. “Come home.”

He sighed. “I’ve been sitting here trying to understand how I felt when you did that. I’m not sure why I got so angry. I felt violated, I believe. My hair is long, but it’s not intended to be worn down…ever! Only women wear their hair down so….” He took a deep breath. “Sometimes I cannot bear how I look. I’d rather not look so…feminine. When you did that it felt like you wanted me to….” He didn’t finish his sentence, but I thought I got it.

And hey, now I know how to royally piss him off. Not that I’m going to try that again soon. But I’ll never forget how he looked those seconds before he nailed me, when his hair was flying around his head like a great black halo or something. God, he’s beautiful. He’s afraid that I want him cuz he’s beautiful, but that ain’t it. I want him cuz he’s fucking hard as steel. I want him cuz he’s like this rock I can crash myself against and he’s still there no matter what I do. I want him cuz he’s changing me and I think I like who I’m turning into.

to be continued