Hiding in the Back Seat

By Laura Bryannan

if you were, you might have overheard this conversation. Maybe…

From the promotional film for Champloo’s second season:

Setting: Our three are sitting in a pink Cadillac at a drive in, watching scenes from the first episodes on the big screen. Jin in the driver’s seat, Fuu in the middle, and Mugen in the passenger seat.

F: And now, the second season of the Original Samurai Champloo is about to begin. Yay!

J&M: (lamely) Yay!

F: Hey, what’s with that lukewarm reaction? Put a little more spirit into it!

M: Forget that. What’s up with that title?

F: Basically, it means it’s a continuation.

J: What do they mean by “The Original”?

M: Must be because of all those samurai watchamacallit imitators that have been popping up lately, right?

F: At any rate, for the people who haven’t seen anything up to this point, Jin will give us a summary of the plot so far.

J: (sweating) What? Me?

F&M: (M clapping) Yay!

J: Ehh…various inauspicious circumstances brought the three of us together…

M: What the hell does inauspicious mean? Explain it with words that everybody can understand.

J: (sinking lower in seat) …to find the samurai who smells like sunflowers…

M: He’s ignoring me… What’s he saying?

F: Beats me.

J: (sinking even lower) …the three of us set out on a journey.

M: Did that make any sense to you?

F: Not one bit.

J: Et cetera, et cetera.

M: (angrily) Hey!

Promo ends.

M: Oh, fuckit. We’re looking pretty good up there, huh?

J: Most of the time. In some episodes we look really strange. There I was in episode 21, my shining moment with my hair down and no glasses, and I look like a zombie. Then later they made me shaped like a bowling pin. I was very disappointed.

M: I looked bad in that one too, and what’s a bowling pin anyway?

F: Well, at least they don’t turn either of you into a blimp like they do to me. They do that to me a bunch of times. How embarrassing! I don’t eat that much, do I Jin?

J: (clears throat) Well…

M: They made all of us do stupidass things.

J: They made me jump around like a spastic dolphin in Bogus Booty. That was out of character, in my opinion.

M: What’s a dolphin?

F: I liked that episode the best. We got to see your butt in that one, Mugen. Yummy! And I really liked seeing Yatsuha kick you around. She was great!

M: I don’t know, man. Why did they make me fall for that stupidass line of hers so many times? I’m smarter than that, ain’t I?

F: Not when the brain in your little head is in control, which is all the time.

M: Hey, it’s not so little.

F: So you say. I bet it’s teeny. Guys who bluster around like you always have teeny ones. Is it teeny, Jin?

J: (sweating) Why are you asking me? I think we should change the subject.

F: Well, I want to know. I mean, you guys don’t have nipples, so maybe there’s other bits you’re missing as well, like G.I. Joe.

J&M: Aieeee! (both grab their crotches)

M: Hey, I’ve got something.

J: Whew. Me too.

M: Mine’s bigger than yours.

J: I highly doubt that.

F: Cut it out, for god’s sake! You two are disgusting.

M: G.I. Joe? Hey, how come we don’t get to turn into giant robots? I want a kickass magic sword like Tetsusaiga. That would be cool!

J: Trying to compensate for something, Mugen? I knew it!

M: Oh, fuck off. So what’s up with them making the sidekick taller than the hero guy? They’re not supposed to do that.

J: Who says I’m the sidekick?

M: Well you are, you know. My stuff comes up on the opening song first.

J: I distinctly remember reading that the creators thought the show would be dull and one-sided with only you around. They made me taller and better looking. Besides, I’m the only one who actually gets laid. Methinks you’re the sidekick, little man.

M: No fucking way!

J: I am a totally original character. Everyone knows you’re just a re-warmed, leftover Spike.

M: (deflating) Hey, is that really true?

J: Ah well, that was mean. If you’re a version of Spike, you’re a better one.

F: Yeah, I never liked him anyway. He’s a much bigger jerk than you.

M: (perking up) OK. Cool.

F: Anyway, I’m the hero! This show is about me and you guys are just along for the ride. There are a lot of episodes about me.

M: Yeah, but they’re the boring ones.

F: You jerk! That’s not true, is it Jin?

J: (clears throat) Well…

M: I still think it sucks the big one they made you taller than me. Ishida Uryuu is smaller than Ichigo. It’s only right.

J: Ishida is a twit. He sews. There is no comparison.

M: Well you’re a twit too. All you four-eyed guys are twits. That’s why they put glasses on you, to show everyone you’re a twit. And why couldn’t they give Fuu tits like Orihime? Man, she’s hot!

F: If they gave me tits like her you’d do nothing but drool through the entire show. That would be really interesting, I’m sure.

J: Take back the twit comment, or else…

M: Oh I’m so scared. What’cha gonna do…TWIT?

J: This! (dumps popcorn over Mugen’s head)

F: Hey! That was my popcorn, you jerk!

J: Sorry. Here, have my Good & Plenty. (sings)

Once upon a time there was an engineer
Choo Choo Charlie was his name, we hear.
He had an engine and he sure had fun
He used Good & Plenty candy to make his train run.

F&M: (holds hands over ears) Blech! Stop! Ears will disintegrate!

F: Besides, that jingle is so old, you’re dating the author. She won’t like that. Better watch it or she’ll get pissed and make you do something weird in her stories.

J: She’s already making me do weird things in her stories.

M: Yeah, so what’s up with our fan base anyway? Why are they always drawing you in women’s clothes?

J: Porcelain complexion and a body built for the catwalk, baby. (singing) I’m too sexy for…

M: (draws sword) You sing that song and I’ll slit your throat!

F: Hey, where did that come from?

J: Is that a real katana or a Sears katana? Besides, there’s some pictures on the net of you in a schoolgirl’s uniform.

M: No fucking way! Where?

J: I’ll show you later.

F: Hey, does this show have a happy ending?

J: We’re not supposed to tell.

M: I think they should have us all get it on. That would be hot!

F: Well they didn’t do that. If they had, I think I would have remembered it.

M: (leers) Yeah, you would’ve remembered it baby…heh, heh. But what’s up with that anyway? How come I didn’t get laid and Jin did? That’s not right! The hero guy always gets laid!

J: We’ve already had this conversation. Say goodnight Mugen.

M: Goodnight Mugen.

F: Keep watching folks! We love you!